what do I want to talk about?
why can't I remember what I want to talk about?
tick; tock time goes by I watch it pass
tock; It smells in here like it did in 7th grade when we dissected frogs
at the end of the day my favorite moment in time is when my head hits the pillow and I succumb to the darkness of the night
This is what I'm going
for eventually...:
Eventually I want to exist here on the internet all by my glory. I know its something I can do
^This girl has achieved my hopes and dreams.^
chia.design ^ is so cool for so many reasons if I were superwoman I would write you an essay about how much I admire their website and how I aspire to create my own just like hers but I am not going to do that right now.
^she has her website as a sort of portfolio where she describes all of her projects and links resources this is something I want to have in my website I want it to be a one stop shop where anything cool can be found and there are topics to research and ideas to explore. I love chia's dating game
^ This is a quote from chia'sblog
! "I’d like to continue making an epic piece of work along these lines – nurturing new narratives on internet proximities, breaking the technical ceilings of our tools, and considering ‘hypertext’ as not just artifact, but genre, performance, and process."
I feel inspired on the internet and it feels beautiful.
this is the magic thought sauce why can't I reflect xxx://
am I facing reality or covering it in glitter?
my habits are consuming me. Im hungry but I can't eat
I feel lost without direction but im being given direction in every corner and it glimmers in reality. I feel like a wasted opportunity to be something great but instead I feel like a floppy sponge trying to absorb oil. Im barely here barely there barely hanging on but what does that say about how im doing and where im at jeez I don't know im just here but why can't you answer a question? Who are you my dad? No im the real world the devil on your shoulder reminding you that reality exists and you are apart of it.
What makes chia any different from me I wonder. Maybe its just the mere fact that she has her shit together and I don't but no that's not true and I need to come to myself with a more self compassionate approach I put so much pressure on myself to be this idealized version of savannah so intensely it makes me loose my focus which I just did and I lost my train of thought but I wish I had fresh fruit to eat all my food is meh so im gonna get food after class which I can't wait for because this class feels like torture when my stomach hurts like this.
which lead me to wonder
what do I want to talk about?
I want to talk about the way it feels to be alive. And share this human expirence im here in the now and im making things that reflect my experience and I don't know if that is good or bad but all I want to do is make things to sit on my dresser for me to be proud of because at the end of the day all I do is walk around my room and stand in front of mirrors on the wall adjusting the objects on my dresser.
which lead me to wonder. How much nonsense can I spew before something worth mentioning pops up how long do I have to wait until im finally interesting I just want to be of interest and I try too hard and that's the issue I have so many issues but so do you so don't look at me like that freak god stop stop stop its going to much too far too fast and I am loosing control I feel the ground below me give out my hips are dropping and I feel the impending doom of a future set up by savannah
I need to use this as a space to carve out my plan my creative motives and how I will construct this body of work
it hurts to sit here in this moment it hurt to exist but I have to do it anyway no matter the discomfort I am here to be.
it hurts to watch her sit in her pain I remember it like it was yesterday
why do you sit and watch me hurt why do you not care youdontcare no one cares
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we sit in our pain we sit in our pain we sit in our pain we sit in our pain we sit in our pain we sit in your pain we sit in your pain we sit
every thing dies
and I feel like this web page just died too